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Eroica Drafts

mprice requested that I help her proofread the Eroica Volume 1, and  I'm sorry that it took so long for me to get her the results. However, just in case that my mail didn't get to her (and I'm sure it didn't ,because I got a failure notice)I'll post them up here as well. Don't mind if my LJ cut doesn't work. I hate these things.

 Corrections:
Introduction of Sugar Plum’s favorite picture.
1.       And my favorite 16th century painter: Bronzino. ‘His Venus and Cupid- an Allegory’ (There should be a continuation here, the sentence sounds unfinished. ) The ellipses should be trimmed. There’s no need to go … for everything (Pg. 8)
2.       Balloon on PG. 12 (SUGAR!!) should be expanded so that the words fit better
3.       Remove extra exclamation point for Answer me!! (Pg.12)
4.       200km/h instead of kph(Pg 13)
5.       Make more sense to change ‘men’ to ‘women0 (Pg 14)
6.       Whose beauty couldinstead of can (Pg. 14)
7.       Get rid of ‘if ever’. There’s no need for it (Pg 14)
8.       Remove ‘Sugar? Leopard?’ Makes sentence awkward, and it’s redundant (Pg 14)
9.       ‘You glutton’ (Pg. 15)
10.    During asummer five years ago/ an ancient Inca Empire/ with our explorer parents (Pg. 15)
11.    The three of us instead of we kids (Pg 15)
12.    Remove ‘alone
13.    ‘to drop dead’ (Pg 15)
14.    ‘Maybe that/ we would remain’ (Pg 16)
15.    Neither do I’ Sugar Plum (Pg 16)
16.    ‘Good luck Leopard’ doesn’t make much sense. Perhaps you should change it. (Pg 18)
17.    ‘That’s Professor’(I don’t think anyone at the party is close enough to Caesar to address him by his first name) (Pg 18)
18.    Some-somebody’s’ (Pg 18)
19.    ‘I’ve got’ (Pg 18)
20.    ‘The nobleman of golden curls’ (pg 19)
21.    come to see Vermeer’s ‘Christ’’ (Pg 20)
22.    Get rid of ‘am’ in ‘returning to HQ’ (Pg 24)
23.    ‘The same thing happened at the Louvre’ (Pg 24)
24.    ‘Now everybody, it’s time to show you the long-awaited Christ, by Vermeer’ (Pg 24)
25.    And Rembrandt is?’ (Pg. 25)
26.    Remove ‘tee-hee’ (Pg 25) Doesn’t go with expression
27.    ‘Look at the’ (Pg 25)
28.    Tee-hee. Isn’t that comment a little pretentious?’ (Pg 26)
29.    ‘Wha-wha-WHAT?!/ You mean this is a forgery?!’ (Pg 26)
30.    ‘My-my my 300,000 pounds!’ (Pg 27)
31.    ‘It’s dragging’ is not very illuminating. Perhaps re-word this bit
32.     
 
 

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
mprice
Aug. 9th, 2008 05:34 am (UTC)
I think you might have misunderstood what I meant by proofing these. I'm not changing the actual translated text unless it has a misspelling or actual mistranslation. I'm just looking for possible missing words. I found a sentence that was cut off in one. And a stray capitalization in another.

3. The double exclamation points are in the original Japanese text.
17. They say Caesar Gabriel in the Japanese text.
20. Of the golden curls is stated like a title here, I think.
26. The "tee-hee" again is in the Japanese text.

These were all scanned from the Japanese manga. Then I erased the text and replaced it with the English translation. I also kept all of the "sound effects" that had, in some places, been removed from the original fan translations. No idea why. I did the same with the enlargement of the text and multiple punctuation marks. And I suspect that ellipsis seem to be used in the place of dashes in Japanese.

I've been having problems with my email and changed over to g-mail.
Next time, you can try fullpriceno1@gmail.com.

mprice
Aug. 9th, 2008 05:29 pm (UTC)
Oh, and I think in all this back and forth, I've overlooked friending you.

*corrects and adds to Eroica archive filter*
jade_glow
Aug. 10th, 2008 02:58 am (UTC)
Aargh. I knew I was doing something wrong.
phyrlyoo36
Feb. 16th, 2013 06:00 pm (UTC)
I'm alone and online Go Here dld.bz/chwZP
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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